Everything was going according to plan. We met. We fell in love. We got married. We got the little house near the beach and a couple of big dogs. All was well until we tried to make a baby and after many months, I still wasn’t pregnant.

Oh, it’s nothing, we thought to ourselves. It will happen one day soon.

Time went by. We got another dog and adopted a cat. But the baby seemed ever more elusive. What were we doing wrong? Infertility? Nah, couldn’t be.

I began feeling pressure to explore the modern medicine available. After all, so many people were doing it. But my insides were telling me something else. My heart led me inward instead of outward for the answer.

I started keeping a journal, hoping to at least gain clarity for the medical steps I would take. In any event, from this day forward, unbeknownst to me, the "problem" began to solve itself.

I wrote. And I wrote.
I cried. And I cried!
I prayed. Meditated. Daydreamed.
I walked, talked, and thought.
I went to church, to mom, to heaven and to hell.
And then, I went right back to the beginning. I turned myself over to God.

I believed that there was something in this experience for me to learn. Something far greater to gain than merely a child. And most of all, I believed that the only way to get down this rocky path was to allow God, Spirit, the Universal Presence that is all-good, all-knowing, and all-powerful to lead the way.

So I continued to write down my thoughts. Talk about good therapy. And one day the Spirit led me to begin forming the pages of my journal into a book. I decided to write the darn thing in nine months, having some fun with my mind and my body. The desire to have a baby started this whole thing anyway, why not experience a little rebirth of my own!

My book led me in and out of questions and answers about infertility. I discovered new ways to think, feel, play, and even eat. I began taking herbs. Drinking more water. By returning to the Spirit inside me, I started to feel good, for the first time in a long time. I completed the "book" in nine months and two weeks, weighing in at 202 pages and 11 inches long. How proud and amazed I was with myself! However, that wasn’t the only surprise.

I didn’t know it until about two weeks later, but I was pregnant! And I know a few of you out there don’t believe me, but I kid you not. I was certified, bona fide, pregnant. Yet two absolutely glorious weeks later, we discovered the heartbreaking reality that it was ectopic, which necessitated the immediate removal of the baby from my tube. I was devastated. What a vicious sense of humor from the old Universe, I thought. But if nothing else, the synchronous arrival of the baby – and the subsequent loss – became quite the demonstration to me that I was truly on the right path.

Wow. You need to read that last sentence again. Because it tells me that I was no longer angry with God, the Universe, Spirit, whatever you wish to call it, for withholding the very thing I wanted most. I still believed that God, and this most amazing Universe, had a higher purpose in mind, and who was I to second-guess that?

So, I re-read my book. Who else was going to get anything out of it anyway? I continued listening to my body – eating well, getting enough rest, taking pre-natal vitamins and plenty of herbs. I believed it was all part of the plan.

Somewhere down the road I chose to return to a profession from my past – teaching pre-school. And my husband went on to begin a new company, catering school lunches for kids. And that, I believe, as small as it may sound, made all the difference in the world. For in doing so, we were moving on with our lives. It was our way of releasing to God our immature demands upon the Universe. However conscious or unconscious, we surrounded ourselves with children (and all the pure joy and energy that comes with them). We sincerely let it all go and believed that whatever will be, will be.

Well, the Universe quickly said yes to our demonstration.

I became pregnant once again. And this time, she was ours forever. On October 7, 1996, I gave birth to Savannah Jane – weighing in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces, and 18 inches of love and joy. THIS is Spirit expressing!

I am Spirit expressing! And I can’t help but think that if it hadn’t been for the "conception challenge" I may never have gone inside. I may never have discovered the great joy and power at the very core of my being, the very essence of my soul. For I believe that this can only come from unifying with God, with the Spirit in all living things. I believe this with my whole heart.

by Gretchen Kelly